As you know, we travel all over the Seattle metropolitan area from one exotic work environment to the next. We land at a high-class grouping of today’s hottest companies but, unfortunately, I’ve noticed that there is a seedy underbelly of incompetence.

Apparently there should be “How To Install” directions on toilet-paper packaging. As we’ve toured the city, I’ve been conducting a semi-scientific study and have found that about half the people out there have no idea how to install a roll of toilet paper.

Is it not obvious that the roll should unravel toward you, uncoiling like a White Quilted Paper (if you’re lucky) Snake slithering towards its hole?

“Pleassssssse wipe your asssssssss with me,” it might hiss.

Toilet paper should not be rolling away, hiding in the darkness of the rest of the roll where you have to fumble around for it like you’re noodling a catfish.

Perhaps we should mandate arrows on all paper. Overkill? Maybe. But not as bad as toilet-paper handling certification for all employees and maintenance workers. I’m usually an easy-going gypsy sort of guy – but this really chafes my anus.

So please, people in the Seattle area – or, at least, half of you – this is your big chance to show the world how advanced we are. So here’s some free design – my little gift to humanity. Feel free to print these simple diagrams and post them for future reference.

You’re welcome.
(Please consider this our holiday gift to you.)